![A collection of all knowledge on the subject of foreign men and their relentless and not-entirely-hopeless pursuit of Japanese women.
[1] How to Nab A Japanese Wife An overview of the difficulties foreigners face in approaching Japanese women.
[2] Bagging A Japanese GirlfriendWhat to avoid and what to look for in your quest.
[3] Traditional Japanese CourtshipWhat to expect when dating a more traditional Japanese girl.
[4] Popping the QuestionSome common phrases, Japansese translations(!), and some final insight into Japanese romance.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1wrcaTkLX1qzy7ino1_r1_1280.png)
A collection of all knowledge on the subject of foreign men and their relentless and not-entirely-hopeless pursuit of Japanese women.
[1] How to Nab A Japanese Wife
An overview of the difficulties foreigners face in approaching Japanese women.
[2] Bagging A Japanese Girlfriend
What to avoid and what to look for in your quest.
[3] Traditional Japanese Courtship
What to expect when dating a more traditional Japanese girl.
[4] Popping the Question
Some common phrases, Japansese translations(!), and some final insight into Japanese romance.
Popping the Question in Japanese [4]
After a few nights of successful yobai, your lady and her family will have expectations of marriage. To seal the deal, may I suggest one of a few classic Japanese proposals.
In place of the western cliche: “Will you make me the happiest man alive?”
毎朝、お味噌汁を作ってくれませんか。(Mai asa, o-miso shiru wo tsukutte kuremasenka?)
“Will you make my miso soup every morning?”
Miso soup is the cornerstone of any complete Japanese breakfast, and letting her know that you want her in your kitchen every morning is sure to set her heart a-twitter.
If you really want to butter her up, may I suggest the following in place of: “Will you share the rest of your life with me?”
一緒のお墓に入らない。(Issho no o haka ni hairanai?)
“Will you share the same grave as me?”
Grave plots are expensive in Japan, and she will feel so lucky to have that taken care of. Anyways, once you’ve been married and she’s popped out a kid or two, that is likely all you will be sharing.
To seriously lock that down, instead of asking: “Will you have my children?” drop this sure-fire bombshell:
私の下着を洗ってください。(Watashi no shitagi wo aratte kudasai.)
“Will you wash my underwear?”
It’s best that you both are on the same page about your expectations and presumed roles in this relationship. Japanese marriages are based on the stable ground of obligation and tradition, not the temperamental shores of romantic love. Divorce rates are low, and infidelity is high.
So there you have it; your very own Japanese wife and your very own Japanese marriage. Enjoy the miso and clean underwear and start saving for that grave plot.
Traditional Japanese Dating [3]
Valentine’s Day, or Japan’s “men receive chocolate from multiple females for reasons of either love or obligation” day, has become as much a part of Japanese culture as baseball and mayonnaise on pizza. The corresponding White Day (when males return the favor of obligatory gifts) is exactly one month later, allowing Japanese men time to (1) recover from the shock of an implicitly expressed display of affection and (2) weigh their options. This tradition dates as far back in Japanese history as 1978, when it was started by the National Confectionery Industry Association. Before the adaptation of these conveniently passive western courtship rituals, Japanese males were required to take a different, more active approach in the pursuit of womenfolk. It may be that more traditional Japanese women are more responsive to a more traditional courtship.
To find traditional Japan, move to a distant rural village and acquire a job as a laborer. (It is likely that you will be teaching English.) There, you will begin your search amongst the farmers’ daughters and other maids of the village. Even in more suburban areas of Japan, it is not uncommon for girls to continue to live under their parents roof until marriage, so you have your work cut out for you. Once you have found one who provokes your fundoshi’s desire, you may make your intentions known to her parents, however as a foreigner I would not recommend this. While intercultural relationships are becoming more common in Japan, older generations in rural areas may not be so progressive. These are a traditional people, so it is important to follow the traditional ways. The tradition described as follows is called yobai (夜這い) or night-crawling. This activity is not for the timid and may seem strange to people with more western sensibilities. I assure you, though it is no longer commonly practiced, this is a real Japanese tradition.
Step one, approach the house at night after everyone has gone to sleep and find a good hiding spot for your clothes. You will be entering naked. (You may want to check the local laws beforehand to find out if it is still illegal for homeowners to attack naked intruders.) If you have a strong fear of rejection, you may bring a mask or other means of obscuring your face; however as a foreigner you may have other distinguishing features that will prove more difficult to hide. Once inside, approach the lady’s room using whatever means necessary to proceed silently. One popular technique is to urinate along the tracks of sliding doors to prevent them from squeaking, however whatever lubrication you have on hand will likely do.
Once you have entered the room of your heart’s desire, proceed boldly with caution. Wake her gently and present yourself. If the lady likes what she sees, she will let you know. If she does not, you will know. Her reaction is not likely to be ambiguous. From there, just do what comes naturally, be that making love until the morning hours or high-tailing it out of there as fast as you possibly can.
An important note: your chances of success are greatly increase if the girl in question has previously given you some indication that a late-night visit would be welcome, though by many accounts this appears to be optional.
In any event, should you achieve success your courtship will be short. You will be expected to marry soon.
Bagging a Japanese Girlfriend [2]
The road to locking down the traditional Japanese wife of your dreams begins with snatching your very own Japanese lady-friend. This path is long and wrought with danger, but if you’re willing to travel it, like Genji and other great wanderers before you, reward and punishment await you in the remainder of a life fleeting.
If you are reading this, I will assume that you have little interest in previously-discussed easy girls and have therefore already avoided the first trap. In Japan, as in most westernizing countries, these girls are easily identifiable by their resemblance to the American C-list reality-TV celebrity Snooki, who bears a striking resemblance to a tanuki herself. Japanese farmers call these fake-tanned, white-makeup, heavily beweaved girls Yamanba (山姥) or “Mountain Witches.” As in most folklore, these women are naught but trouble and best avoided.
Another potential pitfall on your journey is the Japanese youthful appearance. Japanese women between the ages of 15-30 are virtually indistinguishable. It’s as if they exist withing some sort of fifteen-year time bubble. Indeed many may have made deals with yōkai or are shapeshifters themselves (like Tanuki). Err on the side of caution.
Truth be told, finding a Japanese lady in the city is as simple as going to a crowded train station or shopping area and saying “hello” until someone makes eye contact, smiles, and does not run away. Certainly, one might then woo a Japanese woman much in the same way one would woo a Western woman: with alcohol. However, if one is truly searching for a traditional Japanese wife, one must travel to a more traditional Japan and woo in the traditional way.
Next: Traditional Japanese Courtship
How to Nab a Japanese Wife [1]
There is a common belief among people who have never been to Japan that Japanese girls are easy. This misconception drives approximately 50% of western male interest in the country, the remaining 40% being affected by culture (20% anime and video games, 10% shiny-new-things culture shock, and 10% interest in Japanese life) and 10% are here by accident. Half of this number is just looking for fun, while the other half, or approximately one in four western men in Japan, is actively looking to bring home a Japanese wife. This series is for them.
Fresh off of the boat, western men assume that their blond haired, blue eyed different-ness alone is enough to seal the deal. After all, one need not peacock when one is a dove in a field of crows. Are not our accents sexy? Are we not exotic, rare forbidden fruit? Will dating us not make your parents angry? SLAM DUNK. Yes, we are also tall and can dunk.
Despite this so-called Gaijin Power and relative shyness of Japanese men, careful observation does not demonstrate that western men have any statistically relevant advantage in the dating pool. On any given weekend in any major city one need only press their ear to the pavement to hear the sound of another Asian Studies major striking out.
Our assumptions clearly need adjusting. Japanese girls themselves are not easy; rather, there are easy girls in every country. Success at dating in Japan seems to be hit or miss; one either has It, or one does not. For Japanese men, as in most countries, It is money. The vast majority of foreigners living in Japan are students or English teachers, and neither are particularly loaded. Despite this, it is quite common to see a western man with an armful of Japanese girlfriend giving you the “get the fuck out of my Japan” stink-eye. This is because these men have discovered The Ancient Japanese Secret, and they do not want to share.
Next: How to Nab a Japanese Wife Part 2: Bagging a Japanese Girlfriend
